A Rainy Day at Balfonheim
by reno385
Summary: Uh oh, looks like Dr. Cid is after more nethicite...
1. The Rank 5 Mark

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy XII, I don't own anything.**

_I'm bored, it's late, I should be in bed, but I'm not. This is just something that fell out of my head I guess. R&R is appreciated, praise it or flame the crap out of me._

It was a dreary rainy morning at Balfonheim Port. Balthier, Ashe, Reddas (as a guest) and those other random losers stood at the edge to Cerobi Steppe, preparing for the battle that lay ahead of them. They stood huddled under a tree. Balthier gave a rundown as Penelo confirmed each point. "We have Firaga for Fran and Penelo."

"Check."

"We have Curaja for Vaan and Ashe."

"Check-a-roo."

"Foot long sub with ham and swiss cheese plus lettuce, tomato, and red vinegar on Italian bread?"

Penelo checked the bag she was holding. "Uh, it's on Parmesan Oregano."

Balthier glared at Penelo with a fury matching the devil's, but forced between his teeth, "It will have to do." He turned to Reddas. "So you understand gambits? If any character's HP falls below 60, you cast Protect, okay?"

He shook his head stubbornly. "I do what I want. I'm a guest."

Balthier sighed. "Couldn't you just please cooperate, just once?"

"I am a _guest_. I shall endeavor to do what… whatever the hell I feel like doing."

The self-praising gunman turned to Basch. "So you set your gambit so you cast Balance _only_ when your health is below 30, right?"

"I, um… I don't quite know how."

"Why not?"

"I sort of—"

"What? Did you forget to go to the gambit shop? _Again?!_"

"But I have a reasonable…" He suddenly pointed to the sky. "The Basch signal!" He suddenly out of nowhere acquired an auspicious black cape and fled into the town.

Balthier signed. "Well, let's just go get some rest anyway."

"What about that mark we were supposed to hunt?" Fran inquired with a lisp.

"Just lie and tell them we killed the monster."

"I think that's wrong," Penelo spoke up.

"Oh, don't be such a goody two-shoes," Vaan said.

"Oh yeah? At least _I'm_ not a rip-off of Tidus!"

"Huh? Who's Tidus?"

"I don't know but you're a rip-off of him!"

"Well you're a rip-off of Rikku!"

"Wha, what does that even mean?"

"I don't know! But this fic don't even make any damn sense anyway."

"Stop arguing," Fran commanded.

"Stay out of this Lulu!"

"All right!" Balthier shouted, blasting his golden Aldebaran into the air. "This fighting is pointless, ya?"

There was a moment of awkward silence in which Balthier, wide-eyed, held his mouth shut as if he had just confessed his deepest, darkest secret. Reddas broke the silence with an out-of-character hop, after which he excitedly asked, "Who am I a rip-off of?"

Everyone exchanged glances, until Vaan said aloud, "Well you're actually… pretty original." Reddas' excited expression melted into disappointment. "Oh… okay."

After more awkward silence, the group slowly dispersed back into the city, their hopes of slaying the rank 5 mark dashed and destroyed. Fran and Balthier aimlessly wandered down a damp alley. They turned a corner to see a shady man in a trench coat approach an estranged, insane-looking chocobo. "I got the stuff. You got the money?" The chocobo held an undeterminable amount of Gil in its beak which it traded to the man for a plastic baggy of Gyashl Greens. "That was… strange…" Fran trailed off.

_And that's the end. I suppose later I might put more time into this but for now here it is fresh off my brain. R&R please_


	2. The Dreaded Teddy Bear Steve

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Except your love. (jk)**

_Hey this was bigger hit than I thought :) 4 positive reviews as opposed to the one awful flame I was expecting. Guess I'm not as out of practice as I thought, so I made another chapter. R+R greatly appreciated!_

Ch 2- The Dreaded Teddy Bear Steve

The next day, it rained even harder. Basch and Balthier, in the local bar, met with the Viera who put up the mark for the rank 5 Vyraal. "I thought you were going to help me slay the Vyraal yesterday! Why were you not at our rendezvous when I got there?"

"It's very complicated," Basch began to explain. "See, we were about to leave when we, uh…"

"We were attacked," Balthier blurted out.

"By a monkey." 

"A green one."

"With fangs."

"And a gun."

"And a low fat chili dog!"

Balthier turned to Basch. "Why don't you just go along and play in traffic?"

Basch sourly stuck his tongue out at Balthier. "The joke's on you, there's no such thing as a car."

The Viera shook her head in disappointment. "Humes just can't be trusted."

"Yeah, well, you smell like dirty underwear," quipped a spiteful Balthier.

"Look," snapped the Viera. "In three days, at noon, meet me at the Steppe. This is your final warning. If you're not there, I'll just have to take my business to Teddy Bear Steve."

Balthier gasped. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Who's that?" Basch inquired.

"Teddy Bear Steve, the meanest pirate this side of the Salikawood, is only my greatest rival!"

"I thought your greatest rival was that bounty hunter Seeq, Ba'gamnan?"

"Yeah but I forgot his name and didn't feel like going online to find it so I made up a new person, then inadvertently came across it but was still intent on having an OC named Teddy Bear Steve so I kept him in! Hey, did someone just talk through me? No matter. The point is, we'll be there, you can count on that." They got up and left.

Outside, they walked across the plaza in the heavy rain towards Reddas' house. On the way there, they passed Fran and Ashe, holding a large green umbrella over their heads.

"Where are you guys going?" asked Balthier.

"We're going to the movies," Ashe answered. "We are going to see Grindhouse, would you like to come?"

"Why, I'd be delighted. Uh…" Balthier searched his pockets. "Can you spot a pirate some gil?"

"We only have enough for two tickets," said Fran, her lisp so strong that it was evident even though there were no S's in her sentence.

"No matter, Basch owes me 30 gil, don't you?" He turned to his older companion.

"Uh… you see, about that, I… look! The Basch signal!" Again he produced an auspicious black cape and disappeared.

"Hmm… I'll have to take a rain check." He suppressed a smile.

Ashe stared, drooling for several seconds before suddenly bursting into laughter. "Aha, rain check because it's raining! I get it! Ha ha ha hah ha… you are enlightening, Balthier. Quite a card." They walked away.

"What a dork," Balthier muttered. So, by himself, he walked back to Reddas' house.

_A/N: Now I forgot what the inside of Reddas' house looks like, and that douche at the gate won't let me in, so just bare with me folks, as I BS my way through the rest of this chapter…_

Once inside the "living room", Balthier found the group lying around lethargically. Reddas and Vaan sat on the "couch", watching the "TV", while Penelo and Larsa played billiards at the "pool table", two hi-potions resting on the edge.

"Where did Larsa come from?" Balthier asked. Reddas, slouched on the couch, without looking at Balthier, simply pointed to the ceiling, where there was a gaping hole, under which a large bucket was placed to catch the rain.

"It's a long story," said Larsa. "And this chapter is already getting pretty long, so I'll just tell you later. Hi-potion?" He pulled a small purple bottle from his pocket.

"Don't mind if I do," said Balthier, catching the hi-potion. "Hey, where do you get all these things anyway?"

Larsa's eyes shifted left and right. "I know a guy…"

Balthier nodded. "Anyway. Anything exciting happen while I was gone?"

"Nothing at all," Penelo answered. "Just a boring day. Nothing exciting. No action, no high-speed chases. Boring, boring, boring, uneventful boring. Nothing to do but hustle Larsa and finish this pointless ramble uninterrup-"

Suddenly, there was a crash as a figure burst through the wall. Reddas turned around. "Now honestly, what is with people barging into my house like this?"

Vaan turned around, gasping. "Cid!"

Sure enough, it was Dr. Cid, suspended in the air by two propellers attached to a sack on his back. "Yes, it is I, Dr. Cid! I have come to steal all your Nethicite! Yes, yes, quite." He spoke so fast that this whole introduction was about 2.2 seconds long.

"Hey, I thought we got rid of you at the Pharos!"

"No, no, why of course not, I can never be killed! Only beat up in an inhumane and slightly comical manner. Now die!" As he finished his sentenced, a swarm of robots that looked just like Cid entered through the walls and ceiling.

_Psst, no one acknowledge the gaping plot hole I just opened by stating this is after they went to the Pharos, just go with it…_


	3. Dr Cid, Evil Boy Genius

**Disclaimer: I own twice as much as the difference of the square root of 36 minus the product of 2 and 3. Yep, it equals zero. Also, Fran's and Ashe's opinions of the movie Grindhouse featured in this chapter don't necessarily reflect mine, but… yeah. And please review! I only got 1 last chapter… discouraging…**

Chapter 3

As a strange and epic battle unfolded at the residence of Reddas, Ashe and Fran were just leaving the Regal Theatre on the other side of the town, into a furious rain even thicker than before. "That film was atrocious! I would rather sit through more of Penelo's creative writing essays."

"And thoshe made my earsh bleed," commented Fran with an awful, awful lisp. "We should complain."

"Yes, I agree, my inferior friend." The self-absorbed royalty stepped into a nearby phone booth and dialed the theatre's number. After a few rings, she heard a chime, and a jovial voice saying, "Frank the goat appreciates your call." After that, a not-so-jovial, monotonous voice droned, "This is the Regal Theatre complaint hotline. What is your complaint."

"Yes, a friend and I have recently watched your film, Grindhouse, and we thought it was absolutely dreadful. We want a full refund."

Pause. "Well, then go get it."

"Where is it, then?"

Another pause. "It's up your ass."

"Wha, what?!" She was answered by a click, and a dial tone. "Ugh, what an annoyance. Come let's return to Reddas' house."

_2 minutes earlier on the other side of town…_

Dozens of Cid-bots were slowly swarming around the room and outside the holes in the walls and ceiling. The quick-talking Cid was floating in the middle of the room on his contraption, twitching with excitement. "Reddas, I demand to have your nethicite or else I shall incur the wrath of my newest invention! Heh heh heh heh…"

At this moment Basch burst through the door, and ran into the room. "Honey, I'm home! Uh… what is this?"

"It's an ambush," said Vaan in a bored tone. "Another one…"

"Wow, that sounds painful. Hmm… look! The Basch signal!" He pointed into the air, although he was only pointing at the ceiling. He ran for the door, but Balthier, who was standing next to the open door, kicked it shut just in time for Basch to run into it with his face. "There is no Basch signal!" he shouted in anger. "The joke is dead!" He pulled out, from an apparently invisible holster on his back, his prized Aldebaran. Then, in a very out-of-character southern accent, he shot a shell into the air and said, "Get 'er done!!!"

In response, the Cid-bots gathered around Balthier, shouting random sayings (obviously voiced over by the mad doctor himself) such as, "Clean your room!" and "Give your old dad a hug!"

"Hmm... have a taste of this!" he called, aiming at a robot and then firing, but all that came out was a little stick from which a cloth unveiled that read in big red lettters, 'BANG!!'.

"Ah, crap..." The robots began swarming closer to him, but with the help of the others, including Ashe and Fran who had just came back, he was able to overcome them.

After they had mowed down several waves of robots, the crazed, fast-talking scientist began to look uneasy. "Hmm… this is proving to be more difficult than I thought. Very well. Bring in the Destructor!" Suddenly the room violently shook and began to tip to one side. Then, through the wall marched a giant, eight-foot tall robot that looked like a woman with blonde and rather large, um… eyes. Cid laughed maniacally and commanded, "Destructor, activate!"

The stoic robot's eyes shone red, and it began to speak. "What would you like me to wear tonight, Ciddy-poo?"

"Uh, wrong mode," Cid said, blushing, fumbling with a remote control. "What? Don't look at me like that. I get very lonely in the lab and I… like tall women."

There was an awkward silence in which even the random Cid-bots were quiet. "Uh… Destructor, activate!" Cid pushed a red button on the remote, causing the Destructor to turn to the group, its fingers retracting and being replaced by electric-powered circular saws. It slowly backed them into a corner, as the room tilted more towards the ocean with every step. "I don't know if we can make it!" Penelo said. "Vaan, I just wanna say I've always sort of liked you!"

"Yeah, I kind of sort of liked you too. Also I used your Zodiac Spear to unclog my toilet."

"YOU DID WHAT?!?!"

(footage missing)

The next thing anyone knew, they were all standing on the porch of Reddas' house, which was safe on land, under an overhang as cover from the rain (yes it is still raining). They were all dancing and singing, wearing sombreros and vibrant Mexican vestments, drunken of Hi-potions from Larsa's limitless supply. "Wow, I still can't believe we drove Cid away," Basch said happily.

"Yeah, I know, that was awesome! I'll never forget what happened here," Penelo answered. "But I don't remember why Fran is wearing a clown nose."

The Viera quickly took off the red nose and put it in her pocket. "Don't judge me!" she said defensively.

"Yeah, and I don't remember Vaan getting beat up too hard but apparently he did," said Ashe, pointing to the poor boy who sat curled in the corner, beaten to a pulp.

"Yes, how did that happen indeed…" Penelo trailed off suspiciously.

"Well, I'm just glad that all the fighting is over with," Reddas said. Definitely no more fighting. Ever. Again. Especially not after I finish this sentence."

"Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute!" called a young man from the distance. He had long blonde hair and he held a red sword in his hand. Next to him, another man the same age, slightly taller, and holding an odd-looking blue and white ball, looked at him strangely and said, "Cotton-pickin' what? Why don't you just stop talking. You're starting to creep me out a little, ya?"

"Hey, I told you, cotton-pickin' is the new cool word to say. Not like you would know."

Balthier raised an eyebrow as they all watched these people argue in the rain. The man holding the blue and white ball turned to the group and said, "We're here to take you down! You guys are rips-off of us original characters from Spira, ya?"

"Grr, I bet Cid had something to do with this," Ashe grumbled.

"Did not," said Cid, who was apparently standing there with them the whole time.

"Did too."

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"Hey, look over there! The Basch signal!" Cid pointed to the sea, and amazingly enough, they all looked. When they realized nothing was there, and turned back, they saw him standing in front of the two men, accompanied by another man, three women, and a giant blue furry thingy with a spear.

"Oh no!" shouted Fran in horror. "It's… it's…"

_Dum dum dum!!! __Confused? Me too. Just go with it. Also the next chapter should be the last one I think. All reviews greatly appreciated! Speaking of which, I have only one policy about flames, and that is BRING IT! (as long as it's constructive lol)_


	4. Standoff!

**Disclaimer: You know the funny thing is, yesterday Square Enix called me and asked me if I wanted rights to Final Fantasy 12. I said I wanted part 8 instead, and they said no, so I declined the deal. So I don't own FF12. And on a note, I tried to write this chapter based on the assumption that the reader is unfamiliar with the FFX characters prominent in this story (although most of you probably are), so it might be written a little funky.**

Chapter 4

For no apparent reason, Vaan, Penelo, Balthier, Fran, Basch, Ashe, and Reddas stood in a line in that order, facing the strange random people that just appeared. Also they were standing under an overpass that suddenly came out of nowhere because they didn't want to get wet and it was still raining hard. (yes it is still raining, just go with me here) Cid, laughing maniacally, commanded, "Approach them! But don't do anything yet. Build the suspense."

The seven strangers lined up in front of their respective rips-off, all their weapons raised. "Hey!" called the blonde-haired man to Vaan, who was holding an axe. "What is… that?"

"This? This is a Francesca. Or, sometimes… little Frannie." He kissed the weapon in his hand. "Shh, it's okay."

"Um… anyway. Aren't you supposed to have a sword?"

"Why do I have to have a sword?"

"Because! That's the way it's always been. Why are so freaking… different?"

"Yeah… you're right," agreed the woman in black standing across from Fran. "And, on that note… why do you have so many random stupid aeons? No Bahamut? No Ifrit? WTF dude? WTF!"

"They're called Espers!" defended Fran fiercely. "Mateus is the shiznit!"

"Ha!" called the samurai in red parallel to Basch. "Shiva could her ass any day!"

"Mateus is a _him_! He just looks like a woman but the bestiary refers to Mateus as 'him'."

"Wha, now that's just retarded."

"Don't make me summon Belias!" Basch threatened.

"Belias? BELIAS?" The samurai was beginning to get angry. "Wh… where the fuck did Belias come from? What's wrong with Ifrit? WHAT'S WRONG WITH IFRIT, HUH? Sniff… just cuz he was different from the others, doesn't mean he deserves to be treated different. He just wanted… some peach cobbler. Swing away, Ifrit. Swing away."

They all looked at each other. "Uh..." The mild-mannered brown-haired girl standing next to the samurai took out an insanely large needle labeled 'Auron's happy juice' and injected it into his arm. "That should do. Now… we will take you down!" She shot her index finger into the air, pointing at the sky like she tends to do. But as she did, her fingernail nicked Ashe in the wrist, causing her to yelp in pain.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! Is it bleeding?"

"A little…"

"Oh gosh, we need a band-aid over here," said the woman in black. She put the band-aid tenderly on Ashe's wrist. "There we go. All better." They all returned to their spots in the stand-off. "Okay, where were we… oh yes. WE WILL TAKE YOU DOWN!!!"

"Yeah!" shouted the orange-haired man holding the blue and white ball. "We're gonna bend you chumps! Bite my shiny metal ass!"

Reddas scowled. "All this mess for nothing."

"But it is for something indeed! I'm taking your nethicite by force!" said Cid.

"You idiot, I lost all my nethicite in those horse races last night. Damn Seabiscuit…"

"Wait, stop!" Everyone was dead silent as Cid crossed his arms. "What did you say?"

"I don't have any nethicite."

"Oh. Why didn't you say that before?"

"Would it have made a difference?"

"Yeah, I… spent a lot of time and resources with this plan. I got, I got these people from another fricking dimension, I spent a lot of time and effort into that!"

"Well, sorry, I don't know what to say." Reddas shrugged.

"Grr… I guess I'm done here. Farewell!" With the contraption on his back, he flew away. The seven strangers looked around at each other, shrugging and muttering. "Uh, well, I guess we're done here," said the blonde one. "See you later." They all walked away. Just as they stepped out from under the overpass, the rain began to dissipate, and eventually, the sun came through the clouds. "Hey, look the rain's clearing up…" said Ashe. She had a sudden urge to stare at it, but then suddenly thought, 'That would be rather dull.'

"Hey… I feel smarter all of a sudden," Vaan said, looking at his hands as if trying to see if they were different.

"Indeed, I as well feel that I have a stronger grasp than I did a moment ago," said Basch, in a suddenly IC mumble.

Balthier raised an eyebrow. "You don't think deprivation of the sun caused a stupefying effect, do you?"

"That ish a shtrange thing to shay," said Fran.

"Um, shouldn't we be kicking Vayne's ass right now?" asked Vaan.

"Yes, I think that's a good idea," said Penelo. "Well… this was a retarded ending to a retarded story."

"Meh, I don't think he was ever good at writing endings. I guess that's why most of his stories never end…"

Penelo nodded in agreement. Suddenly something caught her eye in the sky. She looked up to see a thick yellow beam shooting into the air, making a big circle in blue sky. Inside the circle was a black silhouette of Basch's profile.

"What the hell is that?" she pondered. "Is that… the Basch signal?"

"I would say it is," said Ashe.

At that moment, a little white moogle approached them. "Why, that would be correct. Archadia has been attacked by demonic bunnies from the Sochen Cave Palace for three days now, and Baschman has yet to appear."

They all looked at each other, and then to Basch, but all they saw was the flutter of a black cape around the corner of a building, and he was gone.

_And that's the end. Well, personally it would be fair to say I rushed this chapter, because I finished the whole thing in one sitting. Maybe later I'll edit it to make it less… awkward. As for future stories, if anyone's interested, just check up on my profile every once in awhile. I talk a lot so it has a lot of crap on it, but I will put up status on future fics or ideas on the top. And if you feel like it you can look at the Extras chapter, aka chapter 5, which I wrote because I'm bored right now at 3 in the morning and I can't sleeeeep…_


	5. Extras!

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. NOTHING!!!**

Chapter 5- Extras!

I wrote this because I'm bored, and also when my friend read this he said he didn't get some of the jokes and said I should explain them… so whatever then.

References-

1. This was originally meant to be a one shot. Basically, the whole rain theme was just to fit the title, A Rainy Day at Balfonheim, which came to me and I liked it. Then as the story started to develop, the rain more became a symbol of how I can never finish a story. Then the sun symbolized the ending of the story, which was a small accomplishment for me as a writer.

2. The sandwich described by Balthier at the very beginning is the sandwich my brother gets whenever we go to Subway.

3. In case you're a dumb ass, you might not have yet noticed that the Basch signal is, yes, a play of the bat signal. Also I like to have a recurring joke in my stories that show up in each chapter (i.e., I wrote a FF7 fic where Aeris died horribly in every chapter because for me just killing her once in the game, didn't really cut it for me)

4. Quite obviously, in chapter 2 there is a shout out to Grindhouse the movie. I was originally going to give it a different name but I couldn't think of one so… yeah.

5. In this story, my depiction of Cid borrows a lot from Jack Spicer, from the cartoon show Xiaolin Showdown, i.e. he has the same backpack-propeller contraption and his Cid-bots borrow from Jack-bots. In relation, the title of Chapter 3- Dr. Cid, Evil Boy Genius is a play of Jack Spicer's self-acclaimed title, Jack Spicer evil boy genius.

6. The name of the movie theatre Ashe and Fran went to is called the Regal Theatre. That's the same name as the place where a friend of mine works. I guess you could say it's also because Ashe is regal.

7. When Ashe calls the theatre, a voice says 'Frank the goat appreciates your call'. Sometimes when you call livejournal, a voice says the same thing, because that's their mascot. Weird, eh?

8. In case you didn't notice the bombardment of clues practically hitting you in the face, the seven strangers are the characters from Final Fantasy X. The blonde-haired man is Tidus, the guy with the ball is Wakka, the mild-mannered brunette is Yuna, the samurai in red is Auron, and the woman in black is Lulu. Rikku and Kimahri stayed quiet throughout the story. And on a similar note, although I still think that Reddas isn't a direct rip-off of FFX like a certain nameless person (Vaan), in the stand-off, he is paired with Kimahri.

9. Wakka, referred to as 'orange-haired man with the blue and white ball', said "We're gonna bend you chumps! Bite my shiny metal ass!" This is a reference to Bender from the cartoon Futurama, who is actually voiced by the same guy who voiced Wakka. Ain't that interesting?

10. When Reddas says he lost his nethicite in horse racing, he implies that he bet on Seabiscuit, who is indeed a race horse that they made a book and a movie on.

And, here's some jokes that came up in the thought process, but never really got worked into the story…

1. Teddy Bear Steve, the rough Bangaa space pirate, actually shows up to help Vaan and the others defeat the Destructor. However, I thought it would be a cute little joke, and a hell of a lot easier, if I just put (footage missing) at the would-be climax of the story, so he never actually appears.

2. Similar to the Wakka-Bender joke, I was going to make Tidus (a.k.a. blonde-haired man) say something that Ratchet from Ratchet and Clank would say, since one person does the voice for both. But I don't know any of his sayings off the top of my head so I just left it out.

3. I don't know why, but at one point in chapter 3 I imagined everyone wearing sombreros. So I actually added that in after the 'footage missing' part, like just now.

And a special thanks to everyone who read and/or reviewed my story. Thanks a bunch! Glad to know y'all liked it. As for future projects, I'm thinking maybe some stupid humor fic for FF8, or something about Gilgamesh from this game, since I just fought him today and I was like… WTF that's weird. Well anyway, thanks for reading and bye!


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